Sunday, April 27, 2014

PLEASE READ

Way more important than anything I have to say....
Please wear PINK on Tuesday, April 29th. 
It is my favorite gal Lara's last day of chemo. You guys are rockstars at getting people through tough times and celebrating when they're over so let's show Lara some of that love!
Rock some pink and send pictures of you and all the 100s of people you're going to tell to do the same. Maybe get a "Go Lara" sign in there too? Email: kaylaredig@gmail.com or Facebook/Instagram them to me!
 Let's get her pumped for her last treatment and then smiling with how damn awesome it is that she's done with chemo. She's a badass (HOT!) mama, who has been there for me so let's be there for her.

Pink. This Tuesday. You can do it. 
SHE CAN DO IT!! 
GO LARA GO! WOOOO LAST ONE!!!!

the mayor of crazytown

Well radiation ended. Which was amazing because being in the hospital every day was tiring and made me feel pretty limited with my life. I will say though that the people who were taking care of me were the best of the best. I felt like I really became a part of a family at CDH and I miss seeing some of those guys and gals every day. Radiation therapy was the first time that I really took interest in my treatment, to the point where I did some observation hours as a radiation therapist. The therapists there are as good as it gets, and the way they treated me made me want to be able to do that to other patients. I've been saying all along that all I want from this past year is a way to give back and use my experiences for others. CDH Proton Center has really inspired me to do so and gave some direction.


The day of my graduation ceremony I jumped on a plane and headed west to Cali. I had my toes in the ocean, hiked the high desert, visited the Deep Creek Hot Springs, and never stopped smiling once. We went up to Lake Arrowhead for the first time and enjoyed the mountains, green, and the lake. It was great to drink beer again! That ranks highly in my favorites from that trip. I saw some of the prettiest sunflowers growing freely along the highways out there and spent time with the people I love most in the place that I love most. My burns started healing nicely out there but I did have a decent amount of pain and swelling. My doctor explained that this was most likely from my sudden spike in activity. Oops :)







Reality was waiting for my when I returned back to Chicago though. California provided a chance to smile and feel  normal after weeks of doctors. Instead of allowing time to heal, I dove right into work. There are about 6 weeks left of the school year so it was sort of a now or never opportunity. So I picked now. My kids did so much for me this past year, I really wanted to repay them and thank them by showing up. So there I was, the Tuesday after spring break, sitting in the parking lot from 7:30-9am sobbing my face off, terrified to walk in. The idea of working when you're just trying to put one foot in front of the other is pretty overwhelming. It made me feel like I have to act like the past year never happened and to get on with life. The trouble with that is I spent the last year plowing through, buried my head and just moved forward. I didn't spend much time crying, what was important to me was just getting through. Survive now, process later. Well guess what.. I survived! And now, my mind wants to process and deal and make sense of what this whole experience has been. How do I find time to do that? Well really I have to make time. I've been rereading old blog posts and my journal. I had completely blocked out all those sleepless nights during chemo and the experiences I had then. I had a long, long, long relationship and friendship fall apart during this and spent such little time being upset over it. It was more important to me live and I knew I wouldn't, I showed I couldn't, if I was experiencing negative emotions. There are so many things that have happened, good and bad, over the past year and my brain is ready to dump them all out and investigate.
The past year has been a year of deep pain. It was long. There were many times that my light grew dim and almost flickered out. But I am fortunate because above everything, the past year has been a year of love. True love. I met love face to face and was carried through on the backs of many to get through and be on my way out of it. I think of this quote often when I think of you all and the love you showed me:

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have rekindled the flame within us." 

Many times my light wanted to go out but couldn't because of the outpour of love that fell on me. The Skinner family is one in particular that I think of when I read this quote. Honey has picked me up numerous times. Big Sam understood everything firsthand, which is a comfort like no other. And Will and Sam were also ready with smiles and laughs for me. I thank God every day for the Skinner family and how they saved my life. My own family did indescribable things, putting their lives on pause and making me their sole focus. All without hesitation of course, because this is what my family does. I think of my dear cousin Kiah, for all the work she did covering for me all summer and was ready to step up and in for anything. Nela saw me cry 1000 times and stuck by me like nothing else mattered but making sure I felt ok again. Anna gathered her swimming friends and the whole NTSC community to surround me with love and support. GA was flexible and understanding with me and best of all, provided an escape to feel normal and laugh and be gross and offensive.  I had so many people pick me up when I was down and never let me fall too far. From Jeff in Finland to Annie in CDM, Emma in Poland to Marilyn at the pond. So many rekindled my flame.

Where am I at now? Processing with some force. I have to make time for this, which is annoying but what my schedule calls for. It's just as important as exercising (need to make time for that too....). I survived my first week of teaching. My goal is to make it through without crying next week. Oh which reminds me of my title. I feel like the mayor of crazy town. Since I started hormone therapy, a pill I'll take daily for the next 5-10 years to keep the estrogen out (the cancer was caused by estrogen), my moods have... fluctuated. With the help of other meds my emotions are kept in check, so when tears do fall it has to be a pretty damn big feeling. Which is an indication of just how overwhelmed I feel. The meds also make me nauseous and have brought back ridiculous hot flashes. I really enjoyed the 2-3 months I had without them. But they are back in full force, keeping me up at night. My poor kids have learned to dress in layers because my classroom is an ice box. Thankfully Baker is full of genuinely wonderful people who truly love me. They have let me cry, take breaks when needed, and have provided me with people that I feel safe with to run to when I'm not feeling brave. And there are places nearby with cold beers when the workday is over. Adjustments are hard. But once again, I am shown nothing but love.


I'm working on healing. I'm working on getting enough rest and taking care of myself. My body, heart, and mind were dragged through hell over the last 50 weeks. I realize now that it's not over. There are still treatments to be done and tough times to be had. I am thankful that the love hasn't stopped. I couldn't do it without you. 
I realize that I could have been pulled right off this Earth. Things didn't have to turn out the way they did. I don't want to take that for granted. Just trying to figure out what I can do with it.
Hope to have a tear free week to report to you guys next week!
Enjoy the sunshine :)



Saturday, April 19, 2014

HAPPY THINGS


mountain air
all things sunny
pups
THE PACIFIC OCEAN
solo l   o   n   g walks with a good playlist
hot showers
naps
baking banana bread

hearing "i love you"

seeing "i love you"







Thursday, April 3, 2014

“Focus on the things you can change, and don’t worry about the things you cannot”


To learn that both my mother and my friend had been diagnosed with breast cancer was overwhelming for my hyperactive mind. At first I was stuck wondering. I wondered about cancer, did I understand it? I wondered why bad things happened to incredible people. For Kayla specifically, it was so hard for me to process. I was in disbelief. I wondered how someone like Kayla have cancer? She was the poster child for “healthy” in my eyes. I wondered about severity, treatment, genetics, potential outcomes, and risk factors… racking my brain for answers. I imagined what they would look like bald and breast-less, and how that would affect their confidence and femininity. Putting myself in their shoes was frightening, but I wanted to understand. Laying in bed my thoughts multiplied. The inside of my eyes and center of my head looked something like the Windows 98 multicolored pipe screen saver (see figure 1). I eventually get dizzy from the jumbled process and fall asleep without coming to any conclusions. I needed answers, though. I knew that answers would help ease my mind.
Finding answers wasn’t as easy. Quickly, my wonders became my worries. I worried mostly about my mother’s and Kayla’s treatment progress. I worried that on any given day, bad news could strike again. I worried about Kayla’s family, my family, and my sister (since we were both now “at risk”). I worried about myself. Something about that seemed selfish, but I couldn’t help but worry that it would happen to me. It was scary. My mind gets caught up worrying, becomes fixated on worst-case scenarios and distracted from reality. Just like I needed answers to ease my wonders, I needed something to ease my worries.
So this is how I coped with my wonders and my worries:
First, I asked a lot of questions. It is important to ask questions because every case and every person is different. With my mom, I asked her specific questions. I asked her if she was going to lose her hair and her boobs. I asked her if she wanted “pink ribbon” flair. I asked about the results of BRCA testing, if her cancer was estrogen receptor positive, and the dates of her next doctor appointments. I asked about her lumpectomy, her radiation, the specific medication she was taking and if she took it that day. I wanted to show her that I cared about how she wanted to cope with cancer, that I wasn’t afraid of her cancer, and that I could handle talking about it. There was something about asking her specific questions that comforted us both. Answers eased my wonders and calmed her nerves…. Made it feel like we were in it together. So, ask questions, they’re important.
My more complicated questions I asked my doctors. When I thought of a medical question or scenario, I wrote it in my iPhone’s “notes” and then went through the list with almost every doctor I happened to have an appointment with. This is something I highly recommend. I grew up around healthcare providers, so I am very in-tune with my doctors. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have an honest relationship with your doctor  - you have to tell them everything. Meeting with my doctors also helped ease my wonders. Science can be very reassuring.
Second, I learned to manage my worries. I like quotes. I think they can be inspiring. So when I was worried, I would Google “quotes about worrying” or search #quotes on instagram. I find myself going back to one in particular:

“Focus on the things you can change, and don’t worry about the things you cannot”

In reality, bad things are going to happen, and often out of your control. All you can do is channel your energy in a positive direction. I couldn’t control whether or not my mother and Kayla had breast cancer, but I could control the way I reacted to their diagnosis. Focus on what you can control, and you will find peace-of-mind knowing that you did all you could. Treat everyone with kindness. Be open to change. Don’t judge others. Respect yourself. Be a true friend. Try your best at everything you do, everyday. Be patient. Reserve time for reflection. Find balance in your life. Be honest with yourself. Practice optimism. Take care of your body every opportunity that you can. Educate yourself. I could go on for days…

I know it can be hard to juggle positivity with the demands and of the real world, especially when those demands happen to be cancer, but by focusing on the good can help eliminate the unnecessary bad. It is just as easy to be nice as it is to be mean, and you can ride a stationary bike while watching your favorite TV shows... catch my drift? Once you start living and breathing positivity you will find peace-of-mind knowing that you did all you could. Positivity is contagious. The people around you will be smiling and you will be smiling, and you won’t be worrying as much, it’s a win-win-win!

TL;DR (too long didn’t read):
When someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, don’t let it get you down. Educate yourself about their conditions, ask them questions to understand their position, know what you can do to prevent cancer from striking again. Live and breathe positivity. Make the world a better place for cancer patients, cancer survivors, and supporter alike!










*note from kayla: this is what i'm talking about people!

A soulmate's confession


I am not going to lie, I almost couldn’t write this post. It’s not that I didn’t want to, because lord knows I did…it’s just that I felt a little ashamed throughout this whole process. I was not the friend Kayla needed & of course Kayla, being the saint she is, every time I told her I was sorry for not texting/calling more often she always made me feel like it was totally fine & that I was helping her. Kayla has never & will never make anyone feel guilty for anything. 

   
I remember the first time we met, I was living at my aunt & uncle’s house in California {The Gladychs} & she was going to be doing the same thing! Kenzie & Rylee were telling me how much I was going to like her because “she’s just soooo awesome” {In Rylee’s tone} I was getting excited to meet a new friend, especially since I didn’t know that many people yet. That first day when I entered the house she came running up & greeted herself, what a great way to say hi! After getting more acquainted at dinner, I invited her to come with me to a labor day weekend with some new friends near Lake Havasu. Two looooong car rides, jumping off cliffs, learning about natty ice, sea cowing off her back {I can’t swim fast :( }, “Thanksgiving” & “Extreme”…yea we became instant best friends! I learned how to love cooking and baking {& now have my own food blog because of that love} I learned that you’re not suppose to call it a “spiny turny thing” in swimming, & I learned how to be a better person. Kayla not only gives hot meals to homeless people, but she will sit down & have a conversation with them {which most people would never do}….& if you’re really lucky she will give you her shoes, purse & more!
   
Fast forward through life & I ended up moving back to Texas, and soon after got pregnant with the love of my life. Kayla was the first person I told. I was scared yet excited at the same time, she was really excited for me. Later on she told me that she found a lump & was going to get the test results soon. WHAT?? But she was only 24 how could that be?? Kayla, out of all people on this planet, Kayla was diagnosed with breast cancer. What a blow to the mind, how could someone so angelic get something so evil? Having Ava made it hard to keep up daily with her, which is where my guilt comes from. What I’ve learned from this whole process is a.) how hard cancer really is. movies don’t cut it like real life does. I knew my grandma had breast cancer twice & saw the scars it left on her fragile body, but seeing the process of it happening… wow. In the earlier stages, anytime I checked up on her she was either sick or sleeping. I never knew that the thing keeping her alive was her poison as well. Losing parts of her body and possibly stealing a bit of her soul as well. b.) How to have a positive outlook on life always. Kayla writes 100 reasons why she loves cancer. Again, only Kayla can find positivity in all things. But that’s what makes her such a strong woman. She can make her own light in the darkest of times, she can see that there is an end to it, which in turn will give her something great {It just has too!}. She will be able to help others in ways that most can’t through a job offer!  c.) Always be a forgiving & understanding person. Throughout this whole process kayla has been so understanding when I couldn’t catch up with her. 
   
I am so happy to have Kayla in my life & know that she was put here for a reason! Thank you Kayla for all the love & strength you give! You are loved a million times more for it & always will be! I love you soulmate! 


Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Did we just become best friends?!

I found out Kayla had cancer last June, when she made a late night (and I imagine frantic) phone call to my boyfriend, Kyle. I wonʼt ever forget where I was, how my heart felt, and the questions I asked. “Kayla, you mean Kayla thatʼs our age?” We were equally dumbfounded. As we drove home that night, he told me that she did not deserve this, she was an exceptional person. My faith really felt shaken. I cried, hard, about a stranger.

I want to capture the dynamic Kayla and I have, but in order to do so, I have to quickly share something about myself. I have a bit of a tricky problem... Hypochondria, of the severe nature. Itʼs something that I think a lot of us joke about, myself included. Unfortunately, despite knowing that my problem is selfish and often senseless, I donʼt have a lot of control over the matter. I see doctors and counselors, I am sometimes heavily medicated, and I go through lengthy waves of crippling fear.

Unlike the rest of the guest-bloggers, you all may be shocked to know that I have never physically met Kayla. My whirlwind romance with Kayla is based in its entirety on text messages and hilarious snapchats. Selfishly, I considered the possible consequences that would follow my first interaction with Kayla, “Letʼs be best friends.” Part of my condition involves being dangerously curious. I had so many questions for Kayla. I was fearful of the answers, fearful of my reactions to them, fearful of her situation, but the strangest thing is, I was never fearful for Kaylaʼs life. Her fighting spirit is insanely evident and the thought of her losing this battle seemed an impossibility to me.

That being said, knowing Kayla throughout her fight, I think she was often helping and encouraging me rather than the other way around. That is so wrong, but it is also just Kaylaʼs nature, to help. I was going through a sketchy ta-ta situation of my own (adenosis) and Kayla walked me through the whole thing, biopsy and all. Rather than do what I wouldʼve done otherwise, (be absolutely consumed by fear) I focused a lot of energy on prayer for Kayla. Thursdays were important, cancer KILLING days. I wore pink to work and my coworkers often joined me. We all celebrated as Kayla finished chemotherapy.
Thatʼs exactly what itʼs like to know Kayla, honestly. She gets you thinking on the positive side of things. She brings love out of the woodwork. Kayla was out LIVING. She never gave any indication that she was feeling anything short of a million bucks. The fact of the matter is, her spirit cannot be broken. While I am proud to be among the many warriors behind Kayla, I have no doubt that she wouldʼve been just as graceful regardless. She is just that kind of person. I have only known her during her fight, and I had to often remind myself that she was fighting. She kicked cancerʼs ass like it was a measly head cold. She was stunning the entire time. She did it with finesse. She is pure energy, and she has shared her courage with many of us.

Kayla, I am so incredibly grateful that you are in my life. Thank you for shaking up my faith enough to reignite it. Through you, God has answered so many of the questions I had. “Why did this happen to Kayla?” Well, because she could handle it, and because sheʼs going to make a positive difference in many lives because of it. Thank you for

making me more brave, and being so open with my relentless questions. Thanks for being my pen pal. Thanks for being my friend.

Kayla, I am so ridiculously, crazily, stupendously proud of you. And happy for you. And just generally grateful that you are in my life, helping me face my fears every single day without even knowing it. Love (seriously does) conquer all. 




**Note from Kayla: I have purposely not commented on any of these guess entries because what I find so important about them is that they have given others a chance to share their cancer journey. That's right. While none of these people have been diagnosed with cancer themselves, they have fought cancer, battled the emotions and exhaustion it brings, and as far as I'm concerned they are a part of a special team of individuals that have survived cancer. I mention this on Leigh Ann's post because her story is so unique and what I believe to be the best lesson we can all learn from any of this. It's to love one another. Leigh Ann and I have never met but she has been a beautiful reminder to me of how we should treat each other, regardless of relationship. She sent me handfuls of pick-me-up packages, made herself available to me anytime I needed someone, and took on this fight like it was her own. Which is why I say that so much of this victory is hers too. What if we all could love like this? And not just to our friends and family but to strangers, just like Leigh Ann did. Be thoughtful with your actions and words to and around others. We all need to be loved. We all need smiles and hugs. We're all different but we're all the exact same. 
I pray that we can find it in our hearts to love like this lady does. To all- everyone you meet and everyone you don't.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."


**Just incase this post ended a little too emotionally packed for some of you I'm including a link for 31 life changing ways to eat french toast**